Nancy Cooper: Explaining Death to Our 6 Year Old

The one thing that has been made abundantly clear during the past five days is just what a special human being Nancy was. Today’s press conference gave us all a clue as to why. What an incredible family unit the Rentz’s are. Having the fortitude and poise to share openly with the community their memories of Nancy at this time is nothing short of a miracle. I imagine that being raised in the kind of authentic and loving environment that Mr and Mrs Rentz created for their kids contributed in a very large way to Nancy being the wonderful person she was.

As I watched the news conference, I wondered to myself if I am up to the challenge of orchestrating the same kind of environment for our kids. Naturally, this tragedy brings with it a huge amount of parental responsibility. Task one for all of us as parents in this community is doing the right thing vis-a-vis our children. No-one wants to have to deal with the challenge of discussing difficult concepts like death with kids at such an early age, but circumstance has dictated that this must be addressed NOW. Looking on the bright side (humor is important remember) talking to my boys about sex when the time comes will be a walk in the park after this ; )

Back to a very serious topic. We have had a tremendous amount of help from local therapists and social workers who deal specifically with the issue of death and grief with children. Some great high level pointers are posted on the blog created for Nancy here.

Now, this may all seem straightforward and common sense to you as you read this from afar. But it is VERY different as you face the reality of having a discussion with your child about this. Of the ten or so couples that were counseled to do this as soon as possible on Tuesday night, only one couple did. One other friend was forced into addressing it as their children were told about it at school. Based on her experience, believe me, you do NOT want this message to be received by anyone other than you. This is one of the most important discussions you will have with your children EVER. It is not something to be outsourced or wished away. It MUST be addressed and the sooner the better, no matter how difficult or impossible it seems right now.

This morning our little guy (three on Monday) was sleeping in, so Theresa and I reluctantly seized the moment to share the sad news with our 6 year old. We took what worked for another friend of ours in terms of wording and we heeded the key counsel to let the child lead in the questioning. Here is what happened.

We told our son that miss Nancy had been found by the police and that when she was found she was badly hurt. We stopped there to see if our son wanted to go further. He talked about how he got hurt one time when he fell down and that there was lots of blood. We could have stopped there, but we KNOW it is important to get to the discussion on Death before he hears it elsewhere and the likelihood of that increases day by day. So we pressed on. My wonderful wife explained to our son that miss Nancy was hurt so badly that she died. My son’s eyes got very big. He paused a while…and immediately asked “Does that mean that Bella doesn’t have a Mommy anymore…who is going to take care of her?” He also asked if Bella’s daddy was dead too. We said he was not and that there are many people who love Bella and Katie like their Grandparents and Uncles and Aunties who will take care of them. He then went back to playing with his transformer and seemed to be moving on. We told him if there are any questions he wanted to ask we are there for them. He said we had answered his questions, and he then paraphrased them: “I asked you if miss Nancy was dead and I asked you who is going to take care of Bella.” We told him if he had any other questions that he can ask us at any time. We also told him that mommy and daddy are very sad that miss Nancy is dead and sometimes we will be crying or quiet because we are sad. The therapists told us that modeling grief is a very good thing to do…plus it happens whether you want it or not, so it is good to know you don’t have to hide it.

We then went upstairs and the news conference was on. My son sat on my lap and I pointed out Bella’s Grandfather, Grandmother Aunts and Uncles. He made the link that those people were like his grandparents. He listened a bit because he said “she said Bella.” Then he went to eat “Daddy’s cereal” and play with his transformer some more. That was it. Now I know there will be more and that this is just the beginning of the processing and synthesis that must go on. But my point is, that for now at least…THAT WAS IT. As with many things we worry about as parents the actual event itself was almost a non-event. Kids are resilient and as the therapists reminded us we always envision the worst and we are often surprised by our kids non-chalant response.

I am now at Ice Skating practice with our 6 year old. I find blogging while watching him be a normal kid smiling and having fun very theraputic. I am not doing this for anyone other than me, but I do hope that the experiences I share very transparently and authentically will help others deal with similar issues. Right now, he seems to be doing fine. Personally I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I was dreading having to do this and I was trying to rationalize why to not do it. But the fact is that all kids in this community will come to know about Nancy, the only question then is do you want to control and deliver the message in a way that minimizes fallout or do you leave this up to chance. Next on the agenda will be the concept of murder….hopefully we have a few days to get our heads around that one…but we move on. As Mr. Rentz described today, you are in this bubble and you just take on tasks as they pop up. The trick here though is being prepared for when it does. My only advice is to get help. There are many experts out there who know the best way to convey these difficult concepts to children in a way that is developmentally appropriate. Please do all you can to seek out their help.

It is not easy to do, but having swallowed hard and taken the plunge, I can tell you from experience that I feel a whole lot better right now. One key indicator is that I am now very, very tired. I guess my corticosterone levels got flushed in some way shape or form as a result completing this first step on a long journey of more acute and purposeful parenting.

For those of you who have not done this yet. I wish you all the courage and strength in the world and I urge you to follow the tips on the blog.

The most important thing is to follow your child’s lead. Therapists and Social Workers know what works in general and they can provide great guidelines, but only YOU know your child and what they can and can’t take at any point in time. That puts YOU in the middle, managing the balance in a way that minimizes trauma for your little ones while having to share terrible concepts. And, at the end of the day, isn’t what parenting is writ large? Only issue her is that is concentrated to a point of singularity that few people ever have to deal with.

Be strong be you and work from the heart.

Nancy Cooper: Media Vindication – Thank You All!

This is one of the most intense days I have ever spent in my life. The outpouring of support from therapists, restaurants and the Lutheran church continues to support my hypothesis that – at the core- human beings are inherently good. The emotional highs and lows have had a pretty big amplitude today and seeing the emotional strain becoming manifest in friends and their kids is a reminder that no matter how much this feels like I am in a bubble, it is in fact a very REAL situation.

Today was a day of twists and turns beyond anything one could have presaged. I am saying this as a person who has studied game theory and who makes a living helping firms think through all the unanticipated consequences associated with a particular course of action. The nuance and uncertainty to this unfortunate set of circumstances could never be reduced to a half hour sound bite on the standard media outlets.

It is now 11:06PM. I am finally sitting down to a wonderful meal that my mother and father made for us. Pork Steak for me and Salmon for Theresa. It is so ironic (hope I get the definition right because Alanis Morrissette got wailed on for this) that it takes something as devastating and tragic as the death of Nancy for us all to act like the human beings we all are at the core. The good news is that we are all exposing our core and, as a result, we are having a more authentic human experience.

In a strange way, having to drop the kids off with the grandparents for hours at a time day after day seems to have brought them closer together in a way that seems to truly enjoyed on both sides (Kids and Grandparents) despite the considerable effort involved. Beyond that, I find myself, despite the lack of sleep and the considerable stress, being a lot more patient with my kids and a lot more authentic with acquaintances. I get the sense that I am not alone in these behaviors and the network effect it is having a positive impact on the relationships of everyone inovolved. Today, while driving around I surmised that this might mirror how folks who have been in war together must feel. Despite race, color or philosophy, we are all going through something devastating together and at the end of the day we are all human beings trying to muddle through. None of us is as strong as all of us, particularly if we are open and transparent about our feelings about it and we know that we will be embraced for that transparency. Anyone who has not been through this cannot imagine in their wildest dreams what it is really like.

Who knows, if this keeps up I might actually get into a the same orbit as Nancy when it comes to being a parent. As we discussed in session today, Nancy was the hub of our community and a role model for what motherhood in its purest and most authentic and loving form looks like. We are all destined to become more like she was around our kids as a result of this and for that we will all experince something more profound and impactful in all of our relationships. Thank you Nancy ; )

Now onto my main point for tonight. I derived extreme pleasure in watching Nancy Grace squirm for 34 minutes because she had …….NOTHING. The media hound who was on the phone to my wife no more than 5 minutes after she was on the local news has been stymied. The Lochmere community has come together and is heeding our plea to not feed the media blitz. THANK YOU ALL. If we keep this up for one more day they will move on to the next story and we will FINALLY be able to move through our respective synthesis processes unencumbered by the arrogance and ignorance of the shock and awe media predators.

I must admit to taking secret pleasure in just how far off base they were in their speculation today. Not that this is a good thing, but I must allow myself the chance to laugh….we learned that in our very helpful therapy sessions today.

Lets all keep a stiff upper lip and the “Ferret on two cappuccino” attention span media pimps will move on to the next flavor of the week.

To end on a positive note think about these two ideas that we all believe Nancy would approve of:
- A Run for Nancy this Saturday Morning in Lochmere to celebrate her passion for exercise and sending a message that Lochmere is and will continue to be the best place to live and build friendships in America
- After the run, everyone gathers around the lake area and writes down what they wanted to say but never got to to Nancy, ties it to a white helium balloon and we all release our well wishes into the air at the same time.

More tomorrow…got to sleep.

Nancy Cooper: Social Media to the Rescue Again?

They say bad luck comes in threes. In my case I am certainly hopeful that this is the case. My wife and I were friends with Nancy Cooper, the woman who was murdered in Cary this week. We went to, and were married at, Virginia Tech…we all know about what happened there. Finally, we both worked at Nortel and knew Kathleen Peterson. These three events burrowed their way into the core of our otherwise idyllic lives with a force that is unimaginable unless you have have the misfortune to experience it.

In the last two instances, I was only peripherally involved in the media blitz. In this case, those of us who were close to Nancy have been sucked into the vacuum of the media’s wake. Last night’s sleepless night seemed to focus on the role, and more importantly the agenda, of the Fourth Estate.

My own view at this point is that the Media, as was the case with Virginia Tech, is more after the story they know will sell rather than respecting the devastating emotional strain that those of us who are close to Nancy are going through. You can see my rant on the Media related to Virginia Tech here.

As I said to my friends last night, the media is no longer our friend. They helped us find Nancy…now all they want is the story. Imagine what it was like for us as we watched the likes of Greta Van Susteren on TV last night talking about how much undigested food was in Nancy’s belly. I wonder if she would have had at least one iota of empathy if her dogged and detached line of questioning was was about someone she knew personally. I certainly hope so…I still have faith that at the core we are all pure, it is just life and circumstance that clouds and perverts our inherent goodness.

That being said, and after having been through the other two media blitzes, I have to ask myself what purpose does the media serve at this juncture? Feeding the voyeuristic needs of individuals who are unemotionally attached to his accident always seems to trump empathy and respect for those closest and most hurt by this event. Why?….simple, there are more of them than us and the media will serve the masses.

We are trying to take a page out of Virginia Tech’s approach. We have all agreed to remain mum on this in the hopes that our firm silence will shut down the distrubing images. Please help us by doing the same. Here, on our blog, is a copy of the media response we have prepared. Feel free to print, copy and share it within the community.

If you are a neighbor in Lochmere and didn’t know Nancy well, please join us in addressing the media in the same fashion. As we learned at VA Tech. If we shut down the speculation and focus on the facts we have a double benefit: We help those closest to Nancy to begin the healing process unencumbered by constant imagery that wreaks emotional havoc and we ensure that the facts, vetted through the police investigation, bring us to a swift conclusion.

Thanks for Reading. May the power of the Human Network quell the undue Powerof the Media Networks.

I certainly hope so for all of us who are torn apart by this traumatic incident. We all need room to breathe while the media continues to pollute our atmosphere with imagery and speculation that does nothing but throw salt on our very open wounds.

I know I will feel differently later and I understand that the media has a part to play, and is probably helping with the investigation by getting tips…but for now I had to vent based on where I sit emotionally. So apologies in advance to those of you who take the role of the fourth estate seriously and who treat all people with empathy.