Nancy Cooper: The Gift of Grief

With each day that unfolds I learn more about myself and others than previously imagined. In the most counterintuitive of ways, I am personally coming to view the grieving around this incredibly tragic and unwanted event as a gift.

Last night after tending to the multiple unanticipated issues and ever mounting to-dos that ship with the freight in these kind of events I finally pulled into the driveway around 9:00. Both my kids were out in the yard chasing fire flys. Theresa could not get them to bed and was also out of energy. Had this terrible event not happened my typical response would have been something like this “Aidan and Liam. You know the rules. We stay in our rooms after 8:30. Now GET UP TO BED.” That did not happen last night.

My 6 year old’s transformer had broken into three parts and my 3 year old wanted me to sing “Don’t Worry” (Bob Marley Song I sing to him every night to keep monsters away). Normally I would have said no because they BROKE THE RULES.

Instead, as if in an out of body experience, I observed myself peacefully walk in to the bathroom where there was good light and work together with the boys to fix the Transformer. We all worked on it together. No fights just fun. Then my 6 year old went to bed happy and I sang don’t worry to the 3 year old and he smiled and said he was going to dream about fire flys tonight.” I kissed him on the forehead…he was already asleep. I then went back into the 6 year old’s room and he too was just dropping off. He told me how much fun it was having me around and asked whether I could take him skating tomorrow. I told him I had to go to work but that we’d go skating together on the weekend. Instead of throwing a fit, he too just smiled and said good night dad. It was as if I had become a child whisperer.

As I was processing this with a person who has become a friend who is also a therapist with a wonderful gift for words, he assured me that this often happens in times of trauma. It is at times when you are most stressed that things like this can happen: Huge reservoirs of patience and self reflection open up just when you least expect them. Then he said something else, “in your case it might be useful for you to think of this as the gift that Nancy gave you.

I did not know Nancy as well as many in our community. But I do know that she was a child whisperer. She radiated love for her kids and for all kids. She had patience beyond belief and kids loved to be around her. Last night I got to experience a little bit how awesome it is to be a child whisperer and I truly hope that it continues.

Thank you Nancy for this gift, even if it was just once last night, I will treasure it always.

Nancy Cooper: Social Media to the Rescue Again?

They say bad luck comes in threes. In my case I am certainly hopeful that this is the case. My wife and I were friends with Nancy Cooper, the woman who was murdered in Cary this week. We went to, and were married at, Virginia Tech…we all know about what happened there. Finally, we both worked at Nortel and knew Kathleen Peterson. These three events burrowed their way into the core of our otherwise idyllic lives with a force that is unimaginable unless you have have the misfortune to experience it.

In the last two instances, I was only peripherally involved in the media blitz. In this case, those of us who were close to Nancy have been sucked into the vacuum of the media’s wake. Last night’s sleepless night seemed to focus on the role, and more importantly the agenda, of the Fourth Estate.

My own view at this point is that the Media, as was the case with Virginia Tech, is more after the story they know will sell rather than respecting the devastating emotional strain that those of us who are close to Nancy are going through. You can see my rant on the Media related to Virginia Tech here.

As I said to my friends last night, the media is no longer our friend. They helped us find Nancy…now all they want is the story. Imagine what it was like for us as we watched the likes of Greta Van Susteren on TV last night talking about how much undigested food was in Nancy’s belly. I wonder if she would have had at least one iota of empathy if her dogged and detached line of questioning was was about someone she knew personally. I certainly hope so…I still have faith that at the core we are all pure, it is just life and circumstance that clouds and perverts our inherent goodness.

That being said, and after having been through the other two media blitzes, I have to ask myself what purpose does the media serve at this juncture? Feeding the voyeuristic needs of individuals who are unemotionally attached to his accident always seems to trump empathy and respect for those closest and most hurt by this event. Why?….simple, there are more of them than us and the media will serve the masses.

We are trying to take a page out of Virginia Tech’s approach. We have all agreed to remain mum on this in the hopes that our firm silence will shut down the distrubing images. Please help us by doing the same. Here, on our blog, is a copy of the media response we have prepared. Feel free to print, copy and share it within the community.

If you are a neighbor in Lochmere and didn’t know Nancy well, please join us in addressing the media in the same fashion. As we learned at VA Tech. If we shut down the speculation and focus on the facts we have a double benefit: We help those closest to Nancy to begin the healing process unencumbered by constant imagery that wreaks emotional havoc and we ensure that the facts, vetted through the police investigation, bring us to a swift conclusion.

Thanks for Reading. May the power of the Human Network quell the undue Powerof the Media Networks.

I certainly hope so for all of us who are torn apart by this traumatic incident. We all need room to breathe while the media continues to pollute our atmosphere with imagery and speculation that does nothing but throw salt on our very open wounds.

I know I will feel differently later and I understand that the media has a part to play, and is probably helping with the investigation by getting tips…but for now I had to vent based on where I sit emotionally. So apologies in advance to those of you who take the role of the fourth estate seriously and who treat all people with empathy.